Marriage in Real Life is a peek inside the
challenges and lessons of marriage.
Nothing is perfect no matter how it looks on the outside.
Often that is how we may come across and that is not our intention at all.
We call it a joyful marriage, but not every moment is full of joy
Everything we share in this ministry was first a painful life lesson for us that we had to learn, fight through, forgive, overcome and thrive.
Get a glimpse into the day-to-day of our marriage.
ON PAIN AND SUFFERING:
I can only remember pain like this in two other scenarios in my life. It overtook me and I was an emotional mess. I had no idea how long it would last. For the past 2 nights it had progressively gotten worse. This was brutal. On top of it, I am not the best at handling physical pain in the least.
Sleep was welcome, however, it didn’t want any part of the pain either and had departed with no chance of return. I did all I knew to do to distract from the pain: cry, ask, why me?, pray, sob some more, sing worship songs, walk around, distort my body in strange positions, get angry, lash out at Ben, feel bad for hurting Ben, weep quietly in bed. You know, all the things we do when in pain to distract from or ease the pain. Eventually, it eased up enough for me to fall asleep.
When we suffer we cannot see much outside of the pain. It consumes us. What we need when we are suffering, is for our loved one to walk through it with us and try with every ounce of our being not to take it out on them. They have done nothing to deserve being the outlet for pain, heartache, anger, frustration or impatience.
It is difficult to see someone we love in a place like this. We feel helpless. The person suffering may say things that hurt us. They may distant themselves from us. They may deny our attempts to help them. They may ignore us. Or all of the above, one after another or all together, as was the case with me. These all can cut really deep.
In times of seeing our loved one suffer, it is crucial to stay patient and strong. Our spouse is not themself in these moments. They are down. When they are down, they need a helping hand reached out. Let’s be willing to hold out our hand as long as it takes for them to grab it.
Now, they may not take that generously-offered helpful hand. That is ok. It is up to them. It is of no offense to us, for they are not even thinking about us in their pain. While they may not be thinking about us, they need us. They need us to be there with them, encourage them, pray with them, rub their back or neck, and offer our suggestions of help. Stick with them through it with compassion. Understand that we cannot take it away from them, but we can help them through it. When they say things that hurt or sting, let them know calmly that what they said was hurtful, and leave it at that. Their stings at us must not be ignored, however, it is important that they be discussed when the person who is suffering is in a better state of mind.
After, take time together to discuss what happened from both of your perspectives. Make sure we both take the time to share how the situation impacted us and settle any hurt that still lingers. Extend grace to each other. We fall so many times and are far from living in marriages where we never offend or hurt our spouse. Grace says, “it’s ok, I love you and forgive you. Will you forgive me too? Neither of us were at our best, and let’s both do better next time.”
That’s what we did. And it made all the difference.