What it is like to look at me? What do people see?
The closest I could ever get to seeing what others see is through a photograph. And the photograph of my least favorable angle, at that, to have the most accurate depiction. But even then that is only the outward appearance.
I was on a video conference call today and I didn’t look good to me.
I was so distracting to myself, remembering what was covered in the call is difficult. I spent most of the meeting trying to nonchalantly rearrange my flyaway hairs and readjusting my top. The camera angle caught my double chin in the act and I tried my best to tuck it away. And my arms. Don’t even get me started on my arms.
Were people watching me? Did I succeed at covering what I didn’t want to be seen? I don’t know, it didn’t matter though, because I was watching me. And regrettably, I could not reward myself the stamp of approval. In not wanting to be rejected by the people on the other side of the screen, I rejected myself instead.
After an emotionally taxing week or so filled with emotional eating and skipped workouts, I began to ask myself, Is it even possible to reach my physical peak? Should I even bother trying to lose weight AGAIN? My hope began to diminish and quite rapidly at that. It did not matter that less than an hour before this conversation with myself took place, my amazing husband told me how beautiful I am. But, my enthusiasm faded and I felt awful.
Have you ever felt like this?