Was our marriage over? Yes, it was. We both knew it. The marriage we have now was just beginning and we had no idea what to expect. Have you been there? Are you there in your marriage right now? Have you or your spouse been unfaithful? Read more on the darkest time of our marriage and how to heal and protect yours.
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Giving Our Marriage Another Chance
We had been apart for over a week and were joining up in Texas. We knew it was time for the talk. We were both miserable. We hurt each other almost every time we tried to talk to each other. There was no healing between blows. We did not know how to stay together and be this miserable.
We spent that night and the next few in discussion and decided to give it one more go. This time, things would be different. WE would be different. We started down a long road and painful road of recovery.
Then, it all came crashing down.
I stumbled upon a message exchange between my husband and “the other woman” from a month or so back.
She had been trying to reach him but he had re-devoted himself to our marriage. The note explained a one night stand he had had with her the night before we met in Texas, where we planned on ending our marriage. She had become pregnant and wanted to let him know she had aborted twins. She was furious and was snide-fully hopeful he was happy with his wife, now.
As I read, tears poured from my eyes as my heart wrenched inside my chest from the betrayal.
I called Ben home from work immediately. What followed were the worst days and nights. The pain cut so deep.
He was sure I would divorce now, even though the offense was before we had agreed to give it another go.
Trying to heal my marriage, not only from what led to the breakdown earlier, but also this devastating blow felt like more than I could take.
I felt like the air had been sucked from my lungs and yet, I was still alive, somehow.
After time, trust can be repaired.
Sins against us can be forgiven.
Protection around the marriage can be formed.
Reconciliation can be accomplished.
Love can grow again.
From Surviving to Thriving in Marriage
What followed was an intense time of healing. In all, it took about 4 years to heal from it completely. It took a lot of patience, truth, tears, honesty, and commitment to overcome from both of us.
Feelings and fears would stir up from time to time. Anything on TV or in a movie where a spouse was unfaithful, would take me out again sometimes for days at a time. We saw her twice and the feelings of hurt and betrayal would resurface again, as if for the first time.
It is through the hardest of times that people grow the most.
We would most certainly change that this happened in a heartbeat.
However, since it did happen, I can thank God for it because
after the pain, the healing came,
after the healing, the love returned,
after the love returned, trust was rebuilt,
after trust was rebuilt, we were a changed couple.
We chose together to take this devastating situation, and through the strength God gives us, to look at ourselves, have the courage to forgive, and change our marriage.
Now, we are stronger than ever. You can be, too.
Begin here with the first step to thriving:
‘So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” ‘
Matthew 19:6 ESV
Read the whole passage HERE Matthew 19:1-9.
This verse has 2 parts.
Part 1- Joining of lives:
“So they [the married man and woman] are no longer two but one flesh.”
What this means for a marriage:
1. The couple is joined Sexually:
Flesh is another word for “body” here.
God created marriage from the beginning and it is a good thing. This verse refers to the physical joining of a married couple sexually and how offspring are a result of the union. No longer is each person’s body their own, but their body is their spouse’s now.
2. The couple is joined Physically:
It is also the joining of the physical life. The home is shared, tasks for the success of the family unit are divided, and their lives are intertwined.
3. The couple is joined Spiritually:
It also refers to the joining of souls as God joins the couple on a spiritual level as well.
How to live this out:
1. Give of your body to your spouse.
2. Join your lives together and do things together regularly.
3. Pray for each other out loud, together.
Part 2- Staying together even in the hard times:
“What therefore God has joined together [the married man and woman], let not man separate.”
What this means for a marriage:
Joined: unite or conjoin
1. Marriage was designed as a permanent bond and should be honored as such.
2. Couples should refrain from seeking out reasons to divorce or justifying divorce.
3. Divorce can be avoided when both parties live in a way that God requires and supplies the strength for us to.
4. Happiness has never been a promise of this life and it most likely was not apart of the marriage vows. However, we can seek to increase happiness as we serve each other. (See previous post on serving and how to HERE.)
How to live this out:
1. Make the hard decision
Dedicate yourself to your spouse and commit to stick through even the hard times. Even when you do not feel loved, valued or respected.
2. You are in control of you
There are many reasons people divorce, research shows that the struggle to communicate is among the top. Use this as an opportunity to grow and learn new ways together to overcome.
We are to love our enemies, even when our spouse feels like our enemy.
4. Watch for the Flag
Use the times we are unhappy as a flag that something needs adjusted. More than likely, if we are being honest, we will find it isn’t our spouse that needs the adjusting, but ourselves.
It is not impossible for marriages facing the worst situations to grow and overcome.
This is a highly controversial topic in our culture today. However, this passage shows God’s will for marriage (for biblical research article on God’s desire for marriage, go HERE). Offenses we commit against our spouses and have committed against us are the result of the world we live in. We hurt others, more commonly those close to us, unintentionally and intentionally often. Sometimes, we can’t help it even though we wish we could. God can use these scenarios as opportunities to transform both spouses, in the same way he did in mine. There may need to be a time of separation for safety and healing, and that’s OK. Perhaps you have already divorced. That is OK, too. God still loves you and is still in control.]
If you are ready to protect your marriage from divorce or begin healing a marriage headed there, begin with this free Couple’s e-workbook.
THANK YOU for taking the time to read. It is our prayer that this material enriches and encourages you and your marriage. If this touched you or put someone you know on your heart, please SHARE THIS POST with them or tag their name so we can improve their marriage too!
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Would you have the boldness to stay in your marriage in the case of adultery of your spouse?
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1: Strong’s Greek and Hebrew Concordance.
2: Holman New Testament Commentary: Matthew
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